We miss you, sweet baby, and we can’t wait to see you in heaven.
Archive for May, 2010
First, a quick note to my blogger friends. I’m so sorry if you haven’t seen my comments as much lately. One reason is simply due to our internet – it always decides to quit working at the most annoying of times. I’ve had plenty of comments typed out only to lose them as my internet decided to fail on me. The other reason is time. There just isn’t enough of it in the day! I try really hard to keep up with everyone, but it can’t always be done. Just know you and your babies are never far from my thoughts.
This past week has been a little difficult for me. Sometimes I feel so convinced it’s simply impossible to bring home a healthy, living baby that I become sure I won’t get to with this one. In those moments it’s like I’m just waiting to miscarry, or just waiting for someone to tell me it’s over, and that I was foolish for thinking I could bring home a baby. I know my feelings have no basis in truth, but they are very real to me when they occur. Before my last ultrasound, I was so sure we’d go in and the heart wouldn’t be beating, and we’d hear the dreaded “I’m sorry”. Of course, that wasn’t the case, and I’m so grateful for that. Seeing that heart bouncing on the screen made me so incredibly happy and at peace for a while. Then, a few hours later, I was so afraid of loss again. Sometimes no matter how hard I pray, or how hard I try to get myself out of that mindset, I can’t seem to shake it away.
I don’t want to spend this pregnancy this way. In fact, I initially was nothing but happy – I wasn’t scared at all. But then I remembered how many people have lost their rainbow babies, and I think, why should I get to keep mine? I know there is a much larger population of people out there who don’t experience loss and who bring home healthy babies all the time. But I don’t live in that world. I live in the world where loss does exist. Where full-term babies die. Where people lose multiple children. And sometimes I can’t see beyond that world no matter how hard I try.
I’ll be glad when I get to a point where I can check in on the baby with my Doppler. And even better will be when I get to a point when I can feel the baby’s movements. But for now I just have to trust God with my baby’s life, and some days it’s easier to do that than others. I knew pregnancy after loss wouldn’t be easy. I want this baby so badly, but know there are no guarantees, and that’s what scares me.
I’m sorry if this post is a bit of a downer – I don’t mean it to be. In spite of all my fears, I still feel so incredibly blessed and thankful for this new little life. But if I were to pretend that I had no struggles, that just wouldn’t be real.
On a positive note, I have another ultrasound coming up. For now it’s scheduled on Wednesday, but since they drastically lowered one of my medications, I’m hoping to go in tomorrow so they can make sure the new dose is fine. Being as jittery as I am, any change they make freaks me out! However, I am grateful for the opportunity to see our little one each week. That will stop once the clinic releases me to my regular OB, which should be any week now. So while I’m anxious to be released from the clinic, I guess I won’t complain as long as I get to see my baby!
As promised, here is a picture of our little baby! The difference since 1 week ago is simply astounding! The baby is on the left, and the yolk sac, which is feeding our baby until the placenta takes over at the end of the first trimester, is on the right.
This whole thing still feels so surreal. Even though I’ve delivered a baby before, it’s hard to fathom the idea of a baby growing in my belly.
This pregnancy is a little milder than my last one in terms of symptoms, which makes me wonder if I’m having a boy. I have heard boys are easier on their mommas during pregnancy! In other ways, it’s very similar to the last one. For example, my morning sickness kicked in right at 6 weeks both times. Yesterday was the first day I really thought I was going to lose something I had eaten. Today I’ve had queasiness, but not as bad as yesterday. If I remember correctly, the morning sickness was just as unpredictable last time, too. The only symptom that is stronger this time is hunger – I feel like I’m constantly starving, and I don’t remember being that way with Madelyn.
Exactly one year ago today, I had an ultrasound too. It was my mid-pregnancy ultrasound with Madelyn. There are parts of that day I can recall as though they happened five minutes ago, and other parts of the day that exist as a blur in my mind. When I woke up that morning, I thought babies that made it past the first trimester were generally safe. When I left the doctor’s office that day, I learned that even full-term babies die, and there is nothing they can do to prevent so many things.
After that appointment we came home, and all I remember is laying in bed the rest of the day in utter and complete shock. I remember being so sure that when we went back in two weeks everything would be fine, or that I’d wake up and realize the whole thing had been a bad dream. But it was real. So very real.
Click here to read what I wrote that day. It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed since this event. However, I am not at all sorry to let this day fade into my history, because I don’t want to focus on these painful times with Madelyn. Instead, I prefer to remember her life as the positive, happy moments we shared.
I’ll post more tonight, but wanted to go ahead and let everyone know we saw the heartbeat on an ultrasound this morning! I don’t know the heart rate because the ultrasound equipment wasn’t the best. But everything looks as it should at this point.
By the way, I know a lot of people start new blogs when they become pregnant after loss to give each of their children their own space, or to protect those who are not ready to read about pregnancy yet. However, after much thought on the matter, I’ve decided to keep everything on this blog. I do apologize to those who find it painful to read about new babies right now, and if you choose to stay away for a while, I understand completely. I just feel that all of my children belong together. Besides, I don’t think I could keep up with 2 blogs!
Well, we didn’t see much today. However, we do know that only one embryo implanted, as we saw only 1 gestational sac and yolk sac. At 5 weeks and 5 days, it’s generally too early to see the baby or heartbeat. The nurse did say she could see a shadow of a baby in there though. I knew we probably wouldn’t see much, but it’s still a little disappointing. I’ll probably have another ultrasound in about a week, at which point we should definitely be able to see a heartbeat!
I just found out I have an ultrasound at 10:30 a.m. today! I’m a little worried it’ll be too early to see a heartbeat, but the VA clinic wanted me to schedule one for this week, and today was the only opening the local clinic had available.
I’m nervous, but excited!
Today, I originally intended to express my mixed emotions about Mother’s Day. To express the realization that clenched my heart last night, that Mother’s Day is a screaming reminder of the child no longer with me. The realization that the joy I will undoubtedly feel for my living children will be shadowed by the empty space where Madelyn’s card would have been, or the picture she might have colored for me, or the hug she might have given me.
I also could remember last Mother’s Day, when I was happily pregnant, blissfully unaware that my world would change on our mid-pregnancy ultrasound a couple weeks later. My biggest fear about that ultrasound was that we wouldn’t see the gender. Well, we didn’t get to see the gender, but we no longer cared because we discovered our baby’s life was likely in danger. But I’ll save those memories for May 19, the anniversary of that day, and the anniversary of my first blog post.
I could talk about how happy I am that I am pregnant again on this Mother’s Day. I could discuss how a big part of me wants to shield my heart and not let myself get too attached. Yet it is much too late for that, and it was quite out of my control. Whoever is growing inside me already has my love. But even new life can’t erase the pain I still feel as a result of Madelyn’s absence.
Each of the above subjects would be appropriate for today’s blog post. But today is another important day in my life, and that is what I want this post to reflect. Today is my wedding anniversary.
Six years ago today, I woke up feeling so nervous I couldn’t eat. I remember sitting in my dressing room at the church, trying to force a mini sandwich down my throat so I wouldn’t faint as I walked down the aisle. I think I managed a few bites, and then some of Nathan’s groomsmen stopped by to bring some comic relief and ease my nerves. I don’t know why I was so scared – I suppose it’s only natural. To be truthful, most of that day passed in a blur. I could not tell you what words were said by the minister, although I’m sure it was the standard wedding message. All I remember is wanting to be done with it all, and get to our vacation where relaxation awaited. Anyone who has planned a wedding probably knows how stressful it is.
However, today is not for remembering my wedding. Today is to acknowledge the one I love. Six years ago today, as we were saying our wedding vows, I never imagined the turn our lives would take. I never imagined the “for worse” of “for better or worse” could be so devastating. But if I had to walk such a path, there is no one else I would rather have walking beside me.
2,358! That is a 207% increase!
So, here are all of my numbers together:
Now I can relax a little!