I haven’t blogged more than an update in quite some time. My life has been a whirlwind for the past month or so. I feel as though June blew by in a blink of an eye. A few things at work required extra attention this past month, and then it seemed there was something to be done most week nights as well. It was nice in that I had very little time to think, and me thinking generally leads to me concocting some scenario in my mind that I find deserving of worry. So in that regard, I am glad things were so hectic. But on the flip side, I am still wiped out from all the craziness!
July 3 was the one year anniversary of the date I was admitted to the hospital for monitoring with Madelyn. I remember that day so well – I even remember the clothes I wore. I was 100% terrified. I won’t repeat the details of that day as you can read them here. It’s strange going back and reading that post now, I sound so much braver than I felt. I’m generally a private person when it comes to emotions, so it has always taken a lot of nerve for me to share any of that on this blog, where anyone and everyone can read. In addition, I don’t get emotional very often. Of course the loss of a child will change that about a person. I’m not saying I don’t feel things, but I usually prefer to feel them privately. Anyway, I remember when Nathan went home for the first time, leaving me alone in the hospital. I went into the bathroom, cried for a short minute, splashed water on my face, and went to bed. I didn’t want any of the doctors or nurses to know I had cried. It seems silly now, as any normal person would probably feel like crying in our situation. I was being admitted into the hospital, yet we knew it might not make a difference in the end. We were told there was probably about a 25% chance that our baby would live. That percentage is not exactly reassuring, but it was enough for us. But even with all of our hope, the unknowns could be very overwhelming and scary
So, July 3 began the 8 week countdown. The 8 week countdown to August 28, the one-year anniversary of Madelyn’s birth and death. Those hospital days feel so close right now. I can feel the combination of fear and hope I felt then as though they were taking place today instead of a year ago. I didn’t know at the time what the end of those 8 weeks would bring, and although I hated all the uncertainty at the time, at least I still had hope, and I still had Madelyn. Those 8 weeks mean so much to me know, as they were my time to focus everything on her. In fact, some of our fondest memories of my pregnancy took place in the hospital. And because of that, I can look back at those 8 weeks not only with sadness and dread of what is coming, but also with fondness and a bit of longing for the final weeks in my life before I truly understood the meaning of loss.
These next 8 weeks will probably be difficult, not just because I am now counting down to the anniversary of our loss, but I am also counting down to 20 weeks of pregnancy with our new baby. I’m always nervous for ultrasounds, but I’m especially ready for this next one on July 27, when I’ll be going on 17 weeks. And the next one after that will be on August 24, when I’ll be going on 21 weeks. The reason for the extra nervousness is because it will be around the same time when we found out something was wrong last time. If I can survive these next 8 weeks, I think I will be able to let go of a lot of my fear. I know the whole reason behind our pursuit of embryo adoption was to avoid our risk of a repeat scenario. And I’m sure I would be 100% more worried if we had conceived naturally. However, some days the “what ifs” are still very real to me. All I can do is release them to God, because He is the only one who knows our story from beginning to end. I can worry myself sick, but it won’t change anything. And everything is going so well – we have no reason to worry this time around. So I’m trying to stop the negativity and just focus on enjoying being pregnant. (Most days I do actually succeed at this.) Soon I will feel more than the occasional flutters I’ve felt off and on for a couple of weeks now. And that is something worthy of excitement.