The dreaded return to work

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The dreaded return to work

April 1, 2011 by Heather

I didn’t cry when I picked my clothes for today.

I didn’t cry when I put my pump and pump parts in a bag to bring to work.

I didn’t cry when I set my alarm, the same alarm I turned off 3 months ago in anticipation of my leave.

I didn’t cry when I went to bed with him curled against my chest. And I didn’t cry when I nursed him this morning, or even when I pulled out of the driveway with him in the back seat.

But when I arrived at our destination and walked around to get him out of the car, it hit me. And I cried. And I cried the entire 35 minutes it took me to get to work. And I’ve been crying off and on ever since.

On the way to work, my mind took me back to leaving Madelyn at the hospital. And I remembered that while this is hard – really, really hard – at the end of the day, I can go to him. He will be back in my arms at the end of every day I must leave him.

If I survived leaving my baby girl at the hospital, I can survive this. If I survived burying my daughter, I can survive this. This isn’t easy, but I will get through it. Because even though I must spend some time apart from him, I get to spend life with him. I have so many wonderful memories to make with him, and my working won’t change that. I will miss him every single minute of my work day, but I still get to watch him grow up.

I know he will be ok. And so will I. But today I know it’s ok to cry. I’m sure it will get easier with time. But I will always, always miss him while I’m away.

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Posted in Liam | 11 Comments

11 Responses

on April 1, 2011 at 12:43 pm | Reply Melissa

Hugs to you sweetie. It does get easier, and you are right you’ve already survived the worst.
on April 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm | Reply Mattie

It has always been hard for me to leave Ethan (even with just my mom) but it does get easier with time. Praying that the rest of the day flies by so he is back in your arms!
on April 1, 2011 at 1:55 pm | Reply Mary

I go back to work tonight, and I think I might have the same reaction! I have left kids before when returning, but there is something hauntingly familiar after having a child die…
on April 1, 2011 at 2:09 pm | Reply Jessica

*hugs* It definitely gets easier although I look at a picture of Joshua as he is my background display on my computer and I do smile, but miss him like crazy!! I do everyday!
on April 1, 2011 at 2:20 pm | Reply Jen-blessedmomto8

BIG HUGS! That must be so hard!
on April 1, 2011 at 2:50 pm | Reply michelehaytko

Honey, I cry when I drop them at the in-laws once a week to clean! I cried last night when I missed dinner and bedtime for my CBE class. I think that is one of those mom things we do because they are such a part of us.

But you are right. We will survive.

Hugs…
on April 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm | Reply Amy

hugs to you. it will get easier. I worked when Aidan was a baby.
on April 2, 2011 at 12:14 pm | Reply Sarita Boyette

Oh, Heather, this is such a sweet post. Yes, you will misss him, but you do get to raise him. Thinking of you…xoxo.
on April 2, 2011 at 1:34 pm | Reply Jill

I was thinking about you! HUGS!
on April 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Reply April

I hated returning to work. I hate pumping at work. I hate being away from my Rainbow, too. We should all move to Sweeden, we’d get a year of maternity leave, paid lol
on April 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm | Reply Holly

I know you’ll get through this but being separated from your baby can be really hard. Even though I was looking forward to going back to work, I still missed her. ((hugs))