I didn’t cry when I picked my clothes for today.
I didn’t cry when I put my pump and pump parts in a bag to bring to work.
I didn’t cry when I set my alarm, the same alarm I turned off 3 months ago in anticipation of my leave.
I didn’t cry when I went to bed with him curled against my chest. And I didn’t cry when I nursed him this morning, or even when I pulled out of the driveway with him in the back seat.
But when I arrived at our destination and walked around to get him out of the car, it hit me. And I cried. And I cried the entire 35 minutes it took me to get to work. And I’ve been crying off and on ever since.
On the way to work, my mind took me back to leaving Madelyn at the hospital. And I remembered that while this is hard – really, really hard – at the end of the day, I can go to him. He will be back in my arms at the end of every day I must leave him.
If I survived leaving my baby girl at the hospital, I can survive this. If I survived burying my daughter, I can survive this. This isn’t easy, but I will get through it. Because even though I must spend some time apart from him, I get to spend life with him. I have so many wonderful memories to make with him, and my working won’t change that. I will miss him every single minute of my work day, but I still get to watch him grow up.
I know he will be ok. And so will I. But today I know it’s ok to cry. I’m sure it will get easier with time. But I will always, always miss him while I’m away.