Tomorrow will mark two years since Madelyn entered this world and then left it, leaving us forever marked by both her presence and her absence.
It’s amazing the difference 2 years can make. I miss her and wish she was here every single day. And in some moments, I still feel the weight of loss like a heavy chain clutching my throat. But 97% of the time, I feel ok. I have taken a giant step forward in the past year, and I know it is largely due to Liam. He hasn’t replaced Madelyn – there is room enough in my heart for both of them. However, he has filled my life with so much love and joy. And it’s hard not to feel general contentment as a result.
Shortly after losing Madelyn, I told someone that while the intense, insatiable sadness was hard to handle, I didn’t want it to subside, because it was the sadness that reminded me she was real. I was afraid that by letting it go, I was letting go of her. And while she does feel the most real to me in those moments when the void created by her departure consumes me, I understand that I do not need to shed daily tears to prove her existence to myself. Because regardless of how I feel on a given day, she lived. She lived, and she died, and she will forever be a part of who I am. Nothing will change that.
And so, while time may decrease the intensity of pain I feel when I think of her, she will always belong to me just as much as she did the night I met her. I will always miss her, always think of her, and always count her as my first child. And of course, I will always love her.
Happy 2 years, Madelyn. I hope you know how loved you are.