The end of an era

We have decided.  Our family is complete.

I know this is the right decision.  And truly, I’m ready to enter the next phase of our lives, focusing on raising the beautiful children we have here on earth, as well as carrying on the memory of our daughter in heaven.  Yet, as with any chapter’s end, it’s not easy to turn that final page.

The truth is, pregnancy isn’t easy for me on an emotional level.  I spend so much time on edge, worrying about how sick I am or am not, wondering if the baby is moving enough or too much, among many other things.  And we’ve had a NICU team in the room with us for every single birth.  So we should probably stop while we’re ahead.  I certainly wouldn’t take a chance on another unassisted pregnancy, and we simply couldn’t afford another procedure.  Childcare is expensive as well.   So we are done.  And I can’t emphasize enough that our family is PERFECT.  The children I have do not leave me wanting.

But letting go is hard.

Pregnancy and birth, while not always easy or uneventful for us, are beautiful, and I feel so very blessed to have been able to experience them the times that I have.  They have been a huge part of my existence these past several years, and it’s hard to picture life without them.  It’s hard to imagine that I will never again feel my baby moving inside of me.  And any newly born baby I hold in the future will not be my own.

We have much to look forward to as a family.  And I still have a newborn to hold and snuggle.  But I know how fast this goes.  I’m on maternity leave now, but in 10 more weeks I go back to work, and it will never be like this again.  So I’m determined to cherish every single second.

As for pregnancy and birth, I will always look back on those times with fondness.  And while it isn’t easy to say adieu, I am grateful that doing so is our choice.  Some have that choice made for them, and I do not take this privilege lightly.

So the new plan is to live the lives we have built for ourselves.  To raise our children with love.  And to put every effort into enjoying every single day of the lives we have been given.

Time moves too quickly to do anything else.

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Thanksgiving, showers, maternity pics, and an OB appointment update!

This Thanksgiving, we travelled to Branson with my parents and brother.  A good time was had by all but, unfortunately, I forgot to take a camera so have no pictures to share!

Liam did great on the drive to Branson, but had a rough time headed home.  By this point in our trip, he was teething (his final 2 canines on the bottom), had caught a cold (yes, another one), and was ready to be back in his own space.  His favorite part of being in Branson was the drive we took through the Festival of Lights.  It was fun to see him get so excited about it!  However, he got very upset when Santa came to the window in an attempt to give him a candy cane.  I think we’ll skip the mall trip to see Santa this year!

In other Liam news, with all the time we’ve spent away from our own house, we’ve bumped into a bit of a nighttime issue.  He now wants us to lie down with him in our bed until he falls asleep.  Now we have to figure out how to get him back into his own bed before the new baby arrives!

I also want to note that Liam has mastered getting both feet off the ground.  He has been doing this for about a month now, but I haven’t yet documented it!

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Last week, my work surprised another pregnant coworker and I with a shower!  They surprised me with Liam, and I was absolutely not expecting anything this time around.   I am grateful to work with some very generous and thoughtful people!  I received clothes for baby girl and enough in gift cards/cash to purchase the Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper.  This is something that, in retrospect, I really wish I’d had with Liam.  So we decided to get it this time around.

Then, on Saturday, December 1, my dear friend Misty hosted a baby sprinkle for me!  It took place at Moonlight Restaurant in Alton, IL, and was attended by several close friends and family members.  We ate salad, fresh bread & butter, veggies & dip, fruit, cheese cubes, and chicken bites.   We played a baby shower trivia game (my mother-in-law was the winner), and then I received lots of adorable things for our baby girl to wear!  We also got some bottles, wipes, a couple plush baby blankets, 2 towels (so she won’t have to use all blue/green towels), and some wash cloths.   We are very thankful for all that we received, all of which was unexpected, but will be put to good use!

Here are some pictures of the day:

 

 

On Sunday, December 2, we had a combination of maternity/family/Liam 2 year pics done.  Liam was not in the mood to model – he mostly wanted to run around campus (they were taken at Wash U).  However, our photographer was quick, and based on the sneak peek she gave us, I think we will be very satisfied with the results!  We get them back in 2 weeks.  Here is the picture she shared with us:

My final update is about my OB checkup today!  It went well.  I hadn’t gained as much as I thought I would have given our crazy schedules and all the eating out involved with that over the past month.  My fundal height is measuring at 32-33 weeks, and I’m 31 weeks 4 days, so that’s not too bad (considering Liam always measured 2-3 weeks ahead).  My blood pressure was 128/80, so right on target with what it has been the past few visits (and normal for pregnancy). 

I have an ultrasound a week from today, and I’m on every-other-week OB appointments now, so I’ll be back for another checkup on 12/12!

And here is a bump pic, taken today!

 

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Halloween, OB checkups, sicknesses, renovations, and 29 weeks

I think I covered everything I need to share here in the title.

I still owe this blog some pictures.  I simply have not had the opportunity to upload them.  I will definitely be doing that soon – with Christmas coming, I need to get those pictures on Shutterfly so I can start thinking about Christmas presents.  And that’s all I will say about that!

Halloween

So Liam had his first experience trick or treating this year.  He wore an Elmo costume (pictures to come later).  He wasn’t exactly sure what to think about the experience.  He was fine until people answered the door, and then he’d turn around and cry for one of us to hold him.   We only took him to about 4 or 5 houses as we didn’t want TOO much candy for him.   He did love the little bit we allowed him to have. 

OB Checkups

I had an ultrasound on 11/5 and an OB checkup on 11/7 .  Both went great!  I didn’t get any good pictures at the ultrasound, unfortunately, because baby girl was in the worst possible position and would not cooperate.  However, she was head down, which was a relief!  Even though I know she could flip around a few more times, it is good to know that she at least CAN get into a head down position.  She was measuring 2 lbs 8 oz, putting her at the 58th percentile, and my AFI (amniotic fluid index) was 15 cm, which is perfectly normal.   My next ultrasound is on 12/12, and if everything looks good then, that will be the last of this pregnancy.  So hopefully we’ll get some good pictures!

My OB checkup was uneventful – my fundal height was measuring right on target with what the ultrasound showed.  I go back on 12/5, and then I start every other week appointments through the end of December, and then I start going weekly on 1/2 until the end of the pregnancy. 

I’ve also started seeing a prenatal chiropractor – my insurance covers it, and the experience has been wonderful!  It’s so incredibly relaxing and I’m glad I started going.  My chiropractor also does acupuncture, which is also covered by insurance!  So my plan is to start doing that at 38 weeks as a natural “encourager” for baby girl to come out.  I’m trying to avoid Pitocin if I can this time around! 

Sicknesses

Sickness has definitely abounded at our house.  Last week, Liam came down the with the adenovirus, which included a fever, double ear infection, all alongside cutting his canines!  He was finally getting better, and then the night before last he woke up vomiting several times.  We thought it was something he ate until we took him to daycare and learned that 4 other toddler had been sent home vomiting and with fevers!  Liam didn’t run a fever until the end of the day, but he did start running one, and he wouldn’t eat or drink all day, so he is home today recovering.  However, he is fever-free and acting like himself again, so I’m hoping it was only a 24 hour thing.  And I’m hoping I don’t catch it!

Renovations

My getting pregnant seems to be what motivates us to renovate our house.  Last time, we converted our garage into a family room.  This time, we’re updating and repairing our bathroom!  All of this started on Monday, and should be finished today or possibly tomorrow.  I’m excited to have this done, but it has been rough living out of a hotel all week, especially with Liam being sick.  I’ll be so glad to be back in my own house with my own things and my own bed!  That is especially true since we’re going to Branson with my parents and brother for Thanksgiving next week, so we’ll be away from home again.

Now all that is left is our kitchen, and then we can get our house on the market to sell!  I’m so ready to move into something bigger and more suitable to our family of four.  And whatever we get next, I want to be our forever house.  So if we have to rent for a while until we find that perfect place, I’m willing to do that to avoid buying another temporary place.

29 weeks

Tomorrow, I’ll be 29 weeks pregnant!  I can’t believe I’m almost a week into the 3rd trimester.  Baby girl is so strong these days – I’m already starting to get a little uncomfortable and feeling huge!  We still have much to do to prepare, but I’m feeling very ready to meet baby girl.  Hopefully we’re able to finalize a name for her!   Nathan is pushing very heavily for the name “Arwen”.  I’m still not 100% sure about it, but we shall see.  At this point, my hope is that when we meet her, one of these names we’ve discussed will simply feel right.  Or maybe something else will come to us before she is born.  We shall see!

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Eckert’s & a 21 week 2 day Ultrasound

Saturday, we took Liam to Eckert’s to pick some apples.  He had a great time!  He was more interested in roaming the orchard than actually picking apples, but he definitely enjoyed eating them.  He loves eating apples and pears whole.   They also have a play area for children with live animals.  He loved the goats until they started bleating, and then he was a little nervous and wouldn’t go near them!

He was  not very interested in having pictures taken, but here are some of the few I was able to snap!

 

He has developed an attachment to this monkey blankey that he has had since before he was born, but never taken an interest in before now.  He also is extremely attached to his clothes for some reason.  If we try to remove his jacket or shoes, he gets very upset!  He even wants to take his shoes into the bathtub with him.  Hopefully that is just a phase he will outgrow, because I feel like I’m breaking his little heart when I don’t let him take his shoes in the tub, and I don’t like doing that!

He has always been an affectionate baby, showering us with hugs and kisses.   Until the past week or so, his kisses were always accompanies by the “mmmm-mah!” sound.  Now, he makes an actual kissing noise!  We still get the “mmmm-mah” when he is blowing kisses, though.

He likes to grab my purse, walk to the door and say “bye”.  It isn’t “bye-bye” anymore – just a simple “bye”.  He has also figured out how to put the key into the front door, and he knows exactly which key goes in it.  Smart boy!

In pregnancy related news, I’m now beyond the halfway point.   I had an ultrasound on Monday (9/24/12).  I was 21 weeks 2 days, and everything looked perfect!  She has plenty of fluid, is measuring right on track with her due date, and all of her organs look as they should.  She kept putting her hands in her mouth and she even switched from a head-down position to a breech position mid-ultrasound!  I’m sure she’ll change positions many times before finally settling into a head-down position.  At least I hope that’s how she settles!  Her heart rate was in the mid 150s.

I’m feeling movement more and more, though there are still days when I don’t feel as much.  Even on the quiet days, I’m still able to do kick counts, so that is reassuring, since it is early to do those.  I also still have my doppler for reassurance on those quieter days! 

Here are some pictures from my ultrasound. 

 

 

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Progress!

I had my 39 week OB checkup today, and I made progress! I am completely effaced and softened, and my OB said he could feel my bag of waters bulging and ready to break at any time!! He said he wouldn’t be surprised to see me tonight, or it could still be another week. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to predict such things. However, at this point it sounds like my body is ready for labor to begin.

I’m 1.5 cm dilated, up .5 cm from last week. It doesn’t seem like much, but I know once labor begins dilation can happen very quickly. Last time, I stayed at less than a cm until the very end of my labor, and then I moved very quickly to being fully dilated.

My OB asked how I wanted to approach induction. He said if I wanted to schedule an induction we could, but that the choice was mine. I told him I was torn. Part of me wants to avoid induction if at all possible, both for my own comfort and because I want to be sure Liam’s lungs are ready for the world. But the other part of me is terrified of going late – I know it can become risky for the baby, especially after 41 weeks. Plus, since Liam is a big baby, I don’t want to end up in a c-section.

After hearing my feelings on the matter, my OB told me he is on call next week-end, so if I wanted, we could go ahead and schedule something for then. That gives me another week and a half to have the baby on my own, and it also puts me at nearly 41 weeks for my induction, so Liam should definitely be fully “baked” by then! Even if my original due date is considered, I would be past 39 weeks by that point so, again, I wouldn’t need to worry about his development.

So, if Liam doesn’t come on his own, I will be induced on December 31! However, I am hoping he comes before then!

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Not much change…

I had my weekly OB appointment today, but not much had changed since last week. I’m 1 cm dilated, 70-80% effaced, and the baby is still at a -2 station. My OB said he doesn’t expect the baby to drop much until I’m actually in labor. He also said that while I’m effaced, my cervix is still hard, and I won’t see much more dilation until that softens a bit more.

He stripped my membranes and did some more stretching in an attempt to help things along. I’ve been having some mildly painful contractions since then, but nothing to lead me to believe labor is imminent. He gave me some other tips of things I can do to help soften my cervix as well, so I’ll try them this week and see if they help.

Although not much had changed, my OB said I’m still right on track for a Christmas baby. I could have less than 10 days until Liam’s arrival!

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On another note, if you get a chance, stop by Longing, Living, Loving! She is doing many giveaways between now and Christmas. I won a book from here that I can’t wait to read!

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35 week checkup

Today I had the first of my weekly OB appointments, and the first cervical check for this pregnancy.

According to my OB, I’m starting to thin and am 1/2 cm dilated. Liam has started to drop a little as well, but still has more dropping to do. My OB says he expects a late December baby!! I know 1/2 cm isn’t a lot, but it is something! The true test of progress will be to see how much more I dilate, if any, between this week and next week.

The thought of a baby THIS MONTH is exciting, but also scary when I consider how long our to-do list is! We have several things left to do in our house including painting and decorating the nursery, and putting together the crib, dresser, and chest. I hope we can finish the nursery by the end of next week! I’ll definitely post pictures when it is done.

I gained a pound since 2 weeks ago, and my blood pressure was a tad bit higher than usual at 122/80; however they weren’t at all concerned about it. I had not had much to drink today, so I wonder if that affected it.

I asked my doctor about red raspberry leaf tea and evening primose oil, both of which are rumored to assist one’s body in the labor process. He said he wasn’t sure how much it would actually help, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt anything either, so he said to “go for it”. So, I guess I’ll give them a try.

I also shared my birth “wish list” (I don’t like the idea of a birth “plan”, because there is no way to truly plan a birth!) with him, and he said everything I listed sounded reasonable. I’m pasting my very simple wish list below:

I would like…
• my spouse and doula present throughout the entire labor process;
• as few internal exams as possible;
• to eat and drink as approved by my doctor; and
• to avoid episiotomy if at all possible. I would prefer to try alternative methods, such as massage and warm compresses before episiotomy is deemed necessary.

After the baby arrives…
• I would like to breastfeed as soon as possible.
• I would like skin-to-skin time with baby.
• Please do not give baby pacifiers or bottles.
• We would like circumcision to be performed, and we would like our son to be given an anesthetic for pain.

That’s all there is to it! My OB says sometimes he sees some very crazy birth plans, but he was happy with mine. He has even had patients say they don’t want a c-section, even if their baby’s life is in danger!

Next week I have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and my next OB checkup on Wednesday. I can’t wait to see our baby boy again!

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This past week, my rib cage has become a new favorite place for him to hang out. Sometimes it gets really painful! Usually if I stretch or start pushing on him, I can get him to move to a more comfortable spot, at least for a little while!

His movements have also changed in the past couple of weeks. He is moving as frequently as ever, but I feel more stretching, twisting, and squirming than kicking and jerking. He must be getting crammed in there!

Other than that, things seem to be about the same. I’ve been able to stay comfortable for the most part, and I’m glad of that! Of course, every single bit of discomfort, no matter how mild or how severe, is worth it to me for this wonderful baby boy. I find the joys of pregnancy far outweigh the inconveniences. I’d definitely endure much worse for my children!

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Prayers for a friend

A blogger friend of mine lost her second baby yesterday, and she is being induced to deliver him today. Please keep her in your prayers, and stop by and send her some comfort if you get a chance.

The title of her post hit home for me, because I felt the exact same thing after losing Madelyn. In fact, while I was carrying her I prayed continuously for her healing. I even had people tell me they knew God was going to heal her. I was constantly conflicted about this because I wanted to believe it, but I also felt the need to be realistic. Well, one day while I was praying I felt strongly that no matter what happened, she would be healed, either on this earth or in heaven. It wasn’t quite the answer I wanted. But it gave me peace anyway, to know that she would be healed, even if it meant my own heart might be broken. The people who told me God was going to heal her were not wrong. He did. It simply was not in the way I wanted.

Today I pray that God will send comfort and peace to my friend and her family in this difficult time, as they learn to live life on this earth while 2 of their precious children wait for them in heaven.

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Sick! (and a few other updates)

I get a weekly pregnancy update in my inbox, telling me how Liam will be growing until the next week. At 32 weeks, my update informed me that my immune system was very suppressed in order to protect my baby from being fought against by my body. Apparently our immune systems would otherwise be under the impression that babies are “foreign objects” against which we must be defended.

I’m so glad my immune system is not attacking Liam. However, as soon as I read that email, I had a feeling I wouldn’t make it through this entire pregnancy without getting sick at least once. I could almost sense it coming, especially since it’s that time of year when colds are starting to make their way around my office. And unfortunately, I was right. Almost immediately, my body started trying to catch something. I even went home early one day last week, because I felt so poorly. I was happy when I woke up feeling better the next day, but that was only temporary.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to a scratch in my throat. At that point, I was sure the sickness had won. I made it through the day not feeling great, but not feeling bad enough to go home either. Then, Thursday morning I felt horrible, and I could tell I had the full blown common cold, complete with a case of tonsillitis. Friday, I felt even worse. Thankfully I started feeling a little better yesterday, but not by much. All day my voice was about 10 notches lower, both in pitch and volume, than usual. Today my voice has mostly returned, and I’m still struggling with head congestion, but am very glad to report my throat is feeling much better, and I’m hoping by tomorrow I will be ready to face the day. Although, being that this is a cold, I’m sure those annoying symptoms will linger for a few weeks to come.

And thus concludes the saga of my bout with the common cold.

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Besides battling sicknesses, this has also been a week of maternity photos! On Tuesday, a friend who I met while in the hospital with Madelyn took some outdoor maternity shots of me. She and her partner have recently started a photography business, and I was so happy I could give them some extra maternity photography experience while getting some amazing photos to add to my scrapbook of this pregnancy! To anyone who lives in or near the St. Louis area looking for a photographer, do check out their new photography business, The Sweet Life Images! They offer great photos and their prices are amazing.

Here are just a few of my favorites from our session on Tuesday.

Yesterday, we had an indoor maternity shoot with Robin Frisella Photography, and Nathan was involved in that one. I expect to have those photos within 2 weeks, and will definitely share them when I do! I’m so glad we’ll have so many maternity photos to remember this pregnancy. I wish we were able to do them with Madelyn, but by the time my stomach was big enough, I was already in the hospital for monitoring, and so there simply wasn’t an opportunity to do them.

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Last week, I didn’t find much time to blog, and so I didn’t get a chance to mention something wonderful that happened related to this pregnancy!

Last Thursday, when I got to work I was informed that another of our departments needed to meet with me at 2:30 p.m. regarding our international offices, and the head of our department, my supervisor, and I needed to prepare a few minutes beforehand. We spent 10 minutes doing so, and then went to the meeting room. When we arrived to the “meeting”, the other department was nowhere to be found. Instead, my department was sitting in the conference room with the lights out, waiting to throw me a surprise baby shower! I had absolutely no idea!! I was overwhelmed by the amazing gifts I received. Thanks to this generous surprise, I now have pretty much everything I need for Liam and so much more!

I feel so grateful to have so many thoughtful and giving people in my life: people who have been there for me since my mid-pregnancy ultrasound with Madelyn, supporting me through the remainder of my pregnancy with her, through our grief after we lost her, as we struggled with how to conceive again, as we went through the FET process, through the emotional ups and downs of this pregnancy, and now, as we are so close to bringing our next baby home. As long as I’m alive on this earth, I’m sure I’ll never understand why some things, losing our daughter being the most life-shattering, were in my path. But I do feel blessed that I wasn’t asked to walk this path alone. So to my friends, family, and coworkers who have been there for us in such a big way since May 19, 2009, I thank you, and your kindness will always mean the world to me.

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33 week OB checkup

Today’s OB checkup went well. I’ve gained 1 pound in the past 2 weeks, and my blood pressure was 110/80.

I asked my OB if he had any concerns about my last ultrasound, and he said none at all. He also said that to keep in mind that ultrasounds are not always accurate about weight, so I shouldn’t worry about that right now. I know this is true because they were nearly a full pound wrong about Madelyn’s weight, and considering she only weighted 3 pounds 4 ounces, being off by a pound is huge! He did tell me that as we get close to the end, there are different things we can do to attempt to progress things if he is measuring abnormally large. He also reassured me that because this is not my first time to give birth, it should be easier on me.

My next OB appointments are on 12/1, 12/8, 12/15, 12/22, and 12/29. Starting with my next appointment, he’ll begin checking my cervix for effacement and dilation. It’s hard to believe we’re to this point already!

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On Tuesday, I had some outdoor maternity photos done by a friend who has only recently started a photography business, The Sweet Life Images. It was a lot of fun, and I really look forward to seeing them! On Saturday, I have another maternity photo session with a photographer with whom I booked a maternity, newborn, 6 month, and 1 year package. These photos will be indoor studio shots, and Nathan will also be in those. I am excited about having these photos to cherish forever.

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I feel so behind on blogging right now, both mine and those of others. I work in international HR, and lately I’ve had a lot of calls scheduled with offices in different parts of the world, which often means evening conference calls for me. Then, we have a lot going on at our house, and it seems when I finally find a free moment, I’m too exhausted to do anything else! I’ve had so many blog posts run through my mind, only to remain internalized. However, I am committed to at least blogging appointment updates, as this is the only place I journal my pregnancy. Maybe one of these days I’ll find the time and energy to do some introspection and blogging.

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