I wonder…

I wonder what it would be like….

to buy Christmas presents for my baby
to dress her up in a Christmas outfit and have her Christmas portrait made
to send Christmas cards with a picture of the 3 of us smiling on the front
to watch her, fascinated with the flashing Christmas lights
to sing Christmas songs as she coos in response
to do all of the things a normal family does with a baby, so much of which is taken for granted?

Instead, I will find out what it is like…

to shop for flowers to put on my baby’s headstone
to donate to a charity in her honor
to wonder what it would be like if things weren’t this way…

And then I wonder, why me? How did I end up in this place? This place of knowing there is no end to the suffering? Knowing that in 1, 5, 10, 20, or even 50 years I’ll be wondering what she would’ve been like? Knowing that even after all that time has passed, my heart will still be aching for the child I was given for such a short time?

And then I am thankful it was me. I am so thankful she was mine. If she could only grace this world with her presence for a limited amount of time, I am glad it was with me. I am glad that at the end of my time on earth, it will be me who runs to greet her on the other side.

I’ve said it so many times and in so many ways, but I’ll say it again. While losing her was the greatest tragedy of my life, being blessed with her was one of my greatest joys. I feel honored that I was chosen to be her mother.

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Healing v. Refusing to Feel

Lately, I’ve been burying my pain. I’ve been burying it far below the demands of work, school, and life in general. It feels better that way. I even convinced myself I was further along in the healing process than I really am. I thought I was way ahead of the game. But I’m not. There is a difference between healing and refusing to feel.

Sometimes taking a break from grief is necessary. Good days provide the necessary strength for plowing through the next bad day. Good days are essential to the healing process. Without them, all purpose would be stripped from life, and all that would loom ahead is despair. However, having good days is not the issue.

The problem is that I have been ignoring the grief and the pain. Once I re-established a routine in my life, I realized I could avoid it through distractions. I learned that while the pain is like a drone behind the tune of my life, never fully disappearing, I could muffle it. Doing so felt good. I don’t enjoy the crying or the searing pain that courses through my entire body. I hate everything about feeling vulnerable. In fact, I try so hard to be transparent on this blog, and I am always perfectly honest with my feelings here, but sometimes I even struggle with that. I want to pretend I’m doing better than I am. It is hard to give people a non-tinted window into my heart.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, and as I reflected on these things, I realized there is only one true exit in the tunnel of grief, and that involves walking through the darkness. I can close my eyes and imagine I’m in a different place, but the reality is, I’m standing still as long as I do that. In order to move through this tunnel, I must accept the pain and darkness surrounding me and march forward.

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Angel of Hope Candlelight Memorial 2009

It’s so unfair to be attending a memorial service at Christmas. When I was little my family would go to the park every year to see the Christmas lights. This year, I found myself at the park at Christmas time again, surrounded by beautiful lights. But instead of twinkling and colorful Christmas lights, I saw flickering white candles, lit in honor of so many babies in heaven. The occasion was the 2009 Angel of Hope Memorial. We were asked to bring a white candle and white flowers in memory of our child.

I had been told that a lot of people attend these yearly memorials but, when we arrived, I was shocked and saddened by how many people where there. The place was packed. It broke my heart knowing that every single person there represented a baby (or babies) who had left this world much too soon.

The service opened by Mandy Murphey, the local SHARE board president and Fox 2 News Anchor who has lost 3 children. After speaking a few words, “Above Them She Stands” by Mark Anthony Carosello was read, which is a poem referencing the Angel of Hope Statue. Next, “One More Day” by Diamond Rio was sung. It is a song I had not heard, but was so perfect. The lyrics are:

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn’t ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I’d do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I’d unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I’d hold you every second
Say a million I love you’s
That’s what I’d do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Next, the poem “Forget Me Not” by Christine Lechowicz was read:

Forget me not, for I am with you
In the beat of your heart In the depth of your soul, too
Forgive my parting too soon and leaving you there
Feel my presence in your next breath on the whisper of your prayer
My spirit is with you on good and bad days
I share each moment with you still
Let me count the ways
Cry for my help when you need to and reach for my hand
I will be there to lift you up when you can not stand
Live each day in the moment and remember to smile
I will be waiting for our reunion, it will just be awhile
Forget me not for whatever you do, is a reflection of me…
my memory is living in you

Next a short message was shared by Cathi Lammert, SHARE’s executive director, and then the service closed to the song “With Hope”, which was especially meaningful to me as this is a song we had sang at Madelyn’s memorial service. I posted the lyrics here shortly after her service.

After the ceremony, everyone took turns placing the flowers they had brought for their baby on the Angel of Hope statue. We were in the back, and by the time it was our turn, there was a thick mass of flowers on the statue. It was a sad sight to behold. I hope our sweet babies know how much they are loved and remembered always.

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