Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for October, 2009

Today I want to say thank you to all of my friends, family, coworkers, etc. who have offered/continue to offer support to me as I walk through this deep abyss of sadness. Immediately after my loss I was warned to be prepared for hurtful comments and, even worse, friends who would withdraw and say nothing at all. I am so happy to say my friends and family have made it very clear they are available to me if I need them.

My friends never act awkward when I talk about Madelyn. In fact, some of them have even shared their own memories of her with me. One friend who often visited while I was in the hospital recently told me that she missed Madelyn too, and she talked of her own memories of hearing her heart beating on the monitors. I was so warmed by this, I didn’t now how to respond. But it meant the world to me to know my friend cared about Madelyn and felt connected to her.

I can’t say I’ve never received a comment that was less than comforting. However, these have been rare, and I know they were unintentional. The people who said these things were trying to help in the only way they knew how, and I appreciate that they cared enough to say anything at all.

I feel blessed to have friends and family who loved Madelyn and who aren’t afraid to let me share my memories of her. She is my baby, and I love talking about her. Even though she isn’t here with me, I am still the proud mommy who thinks she has the best baby in the world. Sometimes it’s difficult to talk about her, but it’s also healing. Please don’t think if I get teary-eyed it is because you said something wrong, and please don’t hastily try to change the subject in an attempt to distract me. If tears fill my eyes, it’s not because I don’t want to talk about her – it’s because I’m missing her.

————–

On another matter, please say a prayer for my friend Wendy. Someone from another part of the country sent her to my blog because our situations were so similar. It so happened that she was my neighbor in the hospital! She had not been there long when I left. Anyway, her baby is scheduled to enter this world on Tuesday November 3, and they have the same concerns we did about Madelyn. Please pray that God will send her strength as her delivery approaches, that her c-section will go smoothly, and most of all that her sweet baby will be ok.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

I once again stand amazed that so much time has passed. My life feels like it has passed in a blur since the night Madelyn was born. As always, we miss you baby girl.

———-

Reconciling my faith with my loss has been one of the hardest parts of Madelyn’s death. I knew God was capable of healing my baby and could have allowed her to stay with us. But He didn’t. On the other hand, I believe God is a God of love and not cruelty, and I don’t believe it was His will to hurt us or take her away from us. However, He could have healed her and did not. And that is where my faith has taken the biggest blow. If He could have, why didn’t He? Miracles happen everyday. Why not for Madelyn? I’ll probably never know the answer, and if God came to my house, sat on my couch, and tried to explain the why to me (assuming there is one), I am 99.9% sure it wouldn’t satisfy me. Scratch that – I’m 100% sure it wouldn’t satisfy me.

I’ll never find meaning in her much-too-soon death. However, I know every life has purpose. Even further, I believe the shortest life has every bit as much purpose as the longest life. It takes some people 100 years to fulfill their life’s mission. It took Madelyn 34 weeks and a day of pregnancy and about an hour and a half of life outside the womb to fulfill hers.

Madelyn was given to Nathan and I for a reason. We were chosen to carry her that her purpose might be fulfilled. I believe it is our responsibility to make sure her life was not in vain.

I may never realize the full impact Madelyn had on this world. What I do know is that she gave my own life new meaning and purpose, and I am so thankful she was given to us.

Read Full Post »

This video was created for Madelyn by Malory of Every Life Has a Story. Because she is all too familiar with the pain of losing a child (she lost her sweet baby Janessa on 5/14/09), she donates her time and talent to making videos for other bereaved parents to keep as a memorial to their children in heaven. We will always cherish this video made in honor of Madelyn, and we are so appreciative of Malory for it.


Madelyn Rebecca Mohr from Every Life Has A Story

Read Full Post »

Remembering

Lately I’ve been so afraid of forgetting. On one hand, I know I will never forget. Nathan and I were just talking today about how so many days of our life seem so blurry, but we can remember every single detail of the night Madelyn was born. I remember it better than I remember yesterday. Even still, there are those times when everything feels so surreal, and I have to remind myself that it really happened. I am a mother. I have a daughter. Her name is Madelyn. She was unable to remain in this world with me. She went to heaven. I am a mother, and my baby is in a grave, enclosed in a casket instead of my arms.

I have talked of this before, this feeling of how unreal everything can seem at times. These feelings scare me. What if one day I wake up and forget, even for a brief moment? I also wonder if others will forget her. Will my precious little girl eventually fade from their memories?

I know my fear has no truth behind it. I’ll never forget her, even for a second. I will always carry her with me, until I have breathed my own last breath and am reunited with her. She is a part of me. She is my baby. I could forget her no more than any other mother could forget her living children. But the thought of forgetting is so frightening.

Read Full Post »

Madelyn’s headstone came in recently:  we saw it for the first time today.  I’m so glad her grave is finally marked.  I just wish we never had to bury her in the first place.  Babies don’t belong in cemeteries.

We love you, sweet baby girl.

SDC11051

Read Full Post »

Thankful

Sometimes I get so focused on what I don’t have, I forget to be thankful for what I do have. In spite of everything I have endured, I know there is much about which I can be thankful.

My loss is a very large part of who I am. It has changed me. I now know what it is like to have a story that is hidden to those who pass me on the street. I’m no longer the average person wondering through life without a care in the world. I understand grief, and grief leaves its mark. I also understand motherhood, which is also transforming. However, my loss and my pain are not the only things that define me. There are things that even the deepest grief cannot take away.

The other day I was with Nathan, and the realization struck that no matter what happens, or where this life takes us, we have God and we have each other. Because of this, I know everything will be ok. It doesn’t mean I’ll never feel anger or pain, or that I’ll ever completely recover. But I know my husband and I will get through it. We will ultimately accept whatever my test results say, and we will be happy together no matter where they lead us. For this, I am thankful. It doesn’t change what I want or what I’m missing, but as much as it felt like it, our lives did not end on the day of our loss. We have each other, and we have Madelyn in our hearts.

I like to put my iPod on “random”, because I have such a wide variety of music and it leaves me guessing as to what song will be next. I was listening to it this way, and the song “Lost” by Michael Buble started playing. For those of you who haven’t heard it, it’s a beautiful song – I recommend finding it and listening to it. It reminded me that I am not alone in my sadness.

Lost

I can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I’d only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And I hope it’s not too late
It’s not too late

‘Cause you are not alone
I’m always there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
‘Cause when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can’t bear the thought
I said, babe, you’re not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy
But you’re not
Things have seemed to change
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

‘Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
‘Cause when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost

Read Full Post »

I have several things to report today.

Yesterday morning I went to the hospital to get my blood drawn for my SLO test. If it takes as long for a response as it did for Nathan’s test, we should hear something in the first week or two of November. Please, please, please be negative! I read that as many as 1 in 30 people are carriers…

You may also notice I changed the title of my blog from “Heather Mohr’s Blog” to “In This Storm”. The address of my blog will NOT be changing, however, so no one needs to worry about that. You should be able to find my blog the same way as you always have. I have mentioned in the past that Casting Crown’s song “Praise You in this Storm” has sort of been my life’s theme song since that scary mid-pregnancy ultrasound in May. So, I decided to change the title of my blog to reflect that. I posted the lyrics right after our memorial service, and that post is here.

I also wanted to let everyone know I will be going back to work on 10/29, but I am making the transition very slowly. I will be working 2 days a week through the end of this year, and then in January I’ll start working full hours. It will be nice to feel like I’m making a contribution to our family income again, but I also am very nervous about my first day back. I haven’t been in the office since June.

Something else I wanted to share is that Nathan and I decided we really need a vacation after everything. In addition, we need to celebrate my upcoming graduation! So we are going to go to Hawaii! We are going over Thanksgiving break, November 26 – December 1. In some ways it will be nice to skip the holidays, or at least one of them. We are trying to decide today if we should go to Kauai or Maui, and we will be booking our flights tonight. If anyone has been or has any suggestions for us, please let me know!

Finally, on a matter completely unrelated to anything else on this blog, Nathan and I came up with the idea to start a blog in which we review various products. The other night in the store we were debating whether it was worthwhile to pay the extra money for energy-efficient light bulbs. We decided to do an experiment – in our living room we replaced all of our bulbs with new, regular bulbs, and we put all energy-efficient bulbs in our kitchen. We marked each regular light bulb with the number “1”, and as each one burns out, we’ll replace it with a new bulb that we mark with a “2”. According to the claims on the packages, the energy-efficient bulbs should last 7 times longer than the regular bulbs, so we are going to see if it is true. We decided it would be fun to blog about it, as well as other things we try. The new blog is called The Common Consumer. Feel free to check it out. There are only a couple posts right now, but we will update as we try new things. I think this will be a fun thing for the 2 of us to do together.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »