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Archive for March, 2010

Well, I did it. I injected myself in the stomach this morning. I didn’t feel more than the tiniest pinch. The worst for me was my paranoia that there was an air bubble in the syringe I could not see. I kept having to refill and empty the syringe, because I was having a really hard time getting the air bubbles out, and then I felt as though they were just moving to the very tip of the syringe where I couldn’t see them.

I also had my endometrial biopsy today. I don’t know how long it will take before I have those results. It was highly uncomfortable, but no worse than that.

I can’t stop thinking about our transfer and our embryos. I’m afraid to be hopeful, because I don’t want to set my heart up for disappointment. But if I don’t dare to hope, I won’t find the strength to put myself through all of these injections, pills, and tests. I’m inserting so many hormones in my body, I can’t help but worry there will be some long-term repercussions to my doing it, which is why this is not something I want to have to do over and over again. I simply want it to work on the first try. But I know all too well we don’t always get what we want.

I want to be optimistic, I really do. For a few weeks, I had such a great feeling about everything. But the past few days I have been consumed with doubt and fear, and I cannot seem to drive them away. I think it started when I opened my shipment of prescriptions and realized just how much I am putting myself through, all for something that may not work. At least at this clinic, the odds are in my favor, even if only slightly. I’ve also been assured that these are high-quality embryos: two other couples have adopted embryos from this same group resulting in pregnancy. One couple only recently delivered, and the other is pregnant. I just hope that doesn’t mean they’re lower in quality.

It feels crazy, how easily I move between two completely opposite ends of the spectrum within a matter of days. I keep trying to force myself to the middle, the only place where true balance exists. Yet sometimes I can’t seem to locate that place. Instead I teeter totter back and forth, embraced by emotional highs and lows. I know part of this is because I’m still grieving, and grief causes emotional chaos, an emotional chaos that seems to have latched itself on me like a parasite. Maybe one of these days it will permanently let go.

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My meds

Lori gave me the idea to photograph all of my prescriptions once they came in, so I did, and here it is! This is what I’ll be doing over the next month.

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I have received several photos of Madelyn’s name recently, and I want to take the time to thank those who have taken the time to take these photos in honor of my precious girl. I recommend checking out all of these wonderful ladies’ websites.

I opened my yahoo inbox yesterday to a wonderful surprise from Jaime of Indelible Ice Images. Surprises in honor of my daughter are the best kind!

Next, I’d like to say thanks to Jill of Vermont Angels for these beautiful photos!

These next photos were taken by Misty of Heaven’s Seashells. I love them!






Finally, thanks to Angel Baby Names for doing this photo of Madelyn’s name and meaning.

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Today I got my protocol instructions from the fertility clinic. From this point on, there is much to do to occupy my time.

My endometrial biopsy date was changed: they needed me to do it before 4/2. So that is now scheduled for 3/30, which is also the day I begin my daily injections. On 4/2 I start another prescription, and I’ll be adding more over the course of the month. I hope I can keep it all straight! My medications will be here on Thursday. Then, I have an ultrasound on 4/7, another ultrasound on 4/13, and on 4/15 we will fly to Virginia.

I also had my TSH levels checked again today, to see how the thyroid medication is working. After two weeks, my levels have dropped down to 6.3, and 5.5 is the top of the range, so things are looking much better there!

It’s hard to believe this is all happening. I pray daily for my embryos, that they thaw well and that they will make themselves at home in my womb. I’m so hopeful about everything, but also trying to be realistic in my expectations, because we are not guaranteed this will work. However, for the most part I’m not worrying. Whatever is going to happen will happen, and no worrying on my part will change that. All I can do is follow all of my RE’s instructions, and the rest is beyond my control. Therefore, I am choosing to relinquish all anxiety about the outcome, trusting that God will be with me every single day until the results are revealed, giving me the strength to abstain from worry and fear about them.

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Missing my baby girl tonight.

So very, very much.

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Sonohysterogram

Today was my sonohysterogram. I got online this morning to see what I could find about the test itself and, of course, stumbled upon horror story after horror story of people saying their sonohysterograms were the worst thing that had ever happened to them, and they’d never known more pain in their lives. Now that I’ve experienced one for myself, I only wish that is the most pain I have ever experienced. I admit to taking 4 ibuprofen pills about an hour in advance, and that may have kept the physical pain to a minimum. But I know beyond a doubt that even if I had not taken the painkillers, this test wouldn’t have come close to other pains in my life. I’ve been through the pain of labor, and a hard labor at that. I know 800 mg ibuprofen would not have even taken the edge of my contractions. And there is certainly no pill that could ease the pain of losing a child. I only wish there were an antidote to that kind of pain. So, I certainly envy those who say a sonohysterogram is the worst thing that’s ever happened to them.

It, of course, isn’t something I’d eagerly volunteer to do if given the chance. There’s nothing fun about laying on a table, covered from the waist down in nothing but a paper blanket while having saline solution injected into the uterus. However, it was neither excruciating nor unbearable. In fact, I felt worse afterwards than I did during the procedure itself. They warned me I might feel flushed, faint, or have a general “not well” feeling, and they were right. I didn’t feel faint, but I certainly felt flushed and nauseated. In fact, I still do.

Oh, and my test results were good. My OB said my uterine cavity is nice and smooth, free of any polyps or fibroids, and that’s exactly how they want it. 🙂

Next week, I am getting my TSH levels checked again, to see what impact the Levothyroxine is having on my thyroid. Hopefully they will see an improvement. Otherwise, they will increase my dosage, as they want to get my levels to where they should be as quickly as possible.

Then, on 4/6 I have my endometrial biopsy, and I have a baseline ultrasound on 4/7 to check the thickness of my uterine lining and my E2 levels. I’m expecting to hear from the fertility clinic soon with my cycle instructions, which will tell me exactly what I need to do to prepare (such as medications to take). With so much to do, I’m sure we will be on a plane to VA before we know it.

All this planning and excitement for the next child does not mean I miss Madelyn any less. I don’t. I still shed tears for her. I still ache for her. I still want her to be physically present in my life, and nothing will change that. Not ever.

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We are on schedule!!

I am excited to report that my RE saw no reason to delay our transfer! She does want me to get my levels tested again next week to see how much the medicine has helped and to see if my dosage needs to be adjusted. I should have more details about my cycle by the end of this week or early next week.

My sono hsg is Wednesday, and I’m not looking forward to that. Hopefully everything will look good!

I really feel like we are on our way now! Five more weeks to go!

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