Archive for August, 2011

2 years

Tomorrow will mark two years since Madelyn entered this world and then left it, leaving us forever marked by both her presence and her absence.

It’s amazing the difference 2 years can make. I miss her and wish she was here every single day. And in some moments, I still feel the weight of loss like a heavy chain clutching my throat. But 97% of the time, I feel ok. I have taken a giant step forward in the past year, and I know it is largely due to Liam. He hasn’t replaced Madelyn – there is room enough in my heart for both of them. However, he has filled my life with so much love and joy. And it’s hard not to feel general contentment as a result.

Shortly after losing Madelyn, I told someone that while the intense, insatiable sadness was hard to handle, I didn’t want it to subside, because it was the sadness that reminded me she was real. I was afraid that by letting it go, I was letting go of her. And while she does feel the most real to me in those moments when the void created by her departure consumes me, I understand that I do not need to shed daily tears to prove her existence to myself. Because regardless of how I feel on a given day, she lived. She lived, and she died, and she will forever be a part of who I am. Nothing will change that.

And so, while time may decrease the intensity of pain I feel when I think of her, she will always belong to me just as much as she did the night I met her. I will always miss her, always think of her, and always count her as my first child. And of course, I will always love her.

Happy 2 years, Madelyn. I hope you know how loved you are.


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Just a few pics this week…

A few minutes after this picture, I found him fast asleep in our bed!

Dad's Sidekick!

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What I want to remember

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how quickly Liam seems to be changing, and it has made me want to document certain things. I’ve decided to, from time to time, post a list of what I miss from stages past and what I am enjoying the most now. So here goes.

What I miss…

*Feeling and seeing him move inside my tummy.
*The softness of his skin when he was first born. It’s still extremely soft, but when he was first born, it was like cashmere.
*How weightless he used to feel in my arms.
*The faces he used to make as a newborn, like this one when he was having a “bowel movement”:

and the wide-eyed expression he got when being burped, or when exposed to any new sensation…

*Milk drunkenness. Nursing still puts him to sleep if he is tired, but not in the same drunken way as before.

*The sounds he made in his sleep. He would often chuckle or snore. Here is a video I posted of him sleeping at 8 weeks old.
*My maternity leave – I miss being home with him all day long

What I’m enjoying most now…

*How interactive he is. He is so much fun!
*Listening to him babble and “talk”
*Watching him scoot around on the floor and trying so hard to crawl
*Introducing new foods to him (he loves vegetables best!)
*His little kisses – he kisses us all the time!
*The way he’ll lay his head on our shoulders our against our chests for an unexpected snuggle
*Watching his face break out in sheer excitement when he sees us
*Seeing him discover new things

I’m sure there are many more things I could add to these lists, but these are the things that come immediately to mind.

I weighed him today – he is now 18 lbs 9 oz. He seems so big all of a sudden. And heavy!

Here are some pictures I have taken over the past 2 weeks.

Telling us all about it...

Pirate baby, or so says daddy...

Pounding on the laptop, as usual!

And finally, here are some more of his professional pictures. I posted my favorites already, but here are some others.

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6 month pics!

Liam’s 6 month pictures were a month late this time, due to scheduling conflicts with the photographer his entire 6th month! He wasn’t in the mood to have his pictures done this time. He only fussed a few times, but my normally smiling, laughing baby was as serious as could be. Part of that was due to the pictures taking place so close to nap time. In fact, he fell asleep during the 5 minute drive it took to get from his daycare to the park. And that leads me to the other reason for his seriousness – we were at a park, which he had never been before, so he was too busy analyzing his new surroundings to take any interest in letting our photographer get a smile out of him! However, she still did an awesome job, and we got some great shots!

Here is a sample for now. I’ll post more over the week-end when I have time. It can take forever for pictures to upload to the blog sometimes!

In other Liam news, his new favorite thing to do is make noises with his mouth! He loves to babble, but what I’m referring to is his wide array of kissing, popping, and clicking noises, some of which I have no idea how to imitate myself. He is even making kissing noises in his sleep!

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7 months!

Is it really August 1? That means Liam is 7 months old!

This week, Liam painted his first painting while at daycare! He also got to go outside and play in the water. I wish he had experienced those things with me, but I am glad he got to do them and had a good time. They said he wasn’t so sure about the painting at first – he was more interested in playing with the little fishes they glued on his paper for him to paint. However, he loved the water! They said he kept trying to grab the hose and drink from it.

He is an old pro at sitting these days. He also is getting better and better at scooting himself in circles when he is on his tummy, but no crawling yet! If I put him on all fours, he can stay that way for quite some time, but he can’t quite do it by himself yet. I think he might do the army crawl first, since he can very slightly inch himself forward that way. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he skips crawling altogether for walking! He absolutely L-O-V-E-S to be walked around the house, and as soon as you stand him on the ground he wants to go!

He is getting better at taking naps by himself, but it’s a very slow process. He’ll only sleep 30-45 minutes at a time right now, but it’s better than what he was doing before!

Now for the good part – pictures!

Still not a huge fan of tummy time...

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