It’s been 10 days. Sometimes I think time is so cruel, moving forward and carrying me further and further away from the day I held my baby girl in my arms. I know time is healing, but healing is not what I want right now. I just want my baby.
Today we went out to eat and to run an errand. At the restaurant I saw a baby girl and I thought about how I should be toting my daughter around in her carrier too. In the parking lot I saw a lady wearing a baby pink sweater – I thought of the baby pink flowers at Madelyn’s memorial service and the baby pink blanket they wrapped her in at the hospital. Then at the store I saw a pregnant woman and it reminded me of my own empty belly that not too long ago was twitching and jerking with my baby’s movements. I know I shouldn’t let these things get to me – I immediately forced myself to think about something else so they wouldn’t upset me. I guess they are reminders to me of my Madelyn, and I can’t deny that it hurts. Most people get to keep their babies, why couldn’t I? I know she is with God, and there is no better place she could be, but such knowledge doesn’t make me want her any less.
I also have found myself haunted by the “what-ifs”. What if I would have gotten a c-section? What if I would have shopped around until I found a doctor who would agree to do an amnioinfusion, even though there were risks? What if I would have prayed more often and harder? Did the ham I ate at Easter cause a problem? Did my cat have toxoplasmosis? Deep down I know we did all we could, but these little questions still pop in my head from time to time.
Then, after all the questions and confusion, I look at her pictures and can’t help but smile, though my eyes may still have tears in them. Seeing her makes me feel somehow closer to her. I am so grateful to have her, I just wish I could still hold her and touch her. I wish she was here with me now.
To everyone who has left me comforting comments and prayed for us, I really appreciate it. I especially want to thank the many other mothers who have lived through this and have reached out to offer support in this difficult time. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to share in this blog, and how personal I wanted to make it. But reading some of the other blogs of moms who have been there has been a comfort to me, and it is my hope that I can someday do the same for someone else.
I also lost a baby girl shortly after birth at 37 weeks gestation. She would be 4 1/2 now. I still have the same feelings you do when I see other mother’s with their babies. I think – why couldn’t they have been me? Did you have her at St. John’s in St. Louis. We live in St. Louis and the pictures of your daughter wrapped in the “footprint” blanket are the same pictures that we have of our daughter. If you ever would like to talk, ask questions, or just vent please feel free to e-mail me. Unfortunately I have been there and would be happy to help you.
Kelly
Hi Kelly – I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Yes, I did have her at St. John’s. I spent 8 weeks there on bed rest before I had her, and now I wouldn’t go anywhere else. All of my nurses and doctors were great, and they do everything they can to make a person comfortable. Did you ever go to the support groups they offer? Thanks so much for stopping by and your willingness to help.
I understand your feelings written on the Sept 7th blog. My precious baby Bryson was born at 23w6d and went to be with Jesus on August 25th. The knowledge of how God’s plans are perfect comfort our soul but our heart breaks with each breath. We thank God for the 13 days we had with him! I know the emotions all to well of the empty womb and the many things that trigger your thoughts to what if and why. Please know that I’m praying for your as we ask God for a new dream. The future seems so dark without our baby but we know that because Jesus lives, we can face tomorrow. From one mommy to another!
Wendy – I am so sorry you lost your Bryson. Knowledge of God’s love for us is definitely the only thing keeping us going, and I know He will always be there.
Heather, first thanks for stopping by my blog. 🙂 Feel free to come by anytime. Some days I may make sense and other days I may just ramble.
I am about 10 weeks out now from the loss of my son and I still see certain images that will remind me of my son. The pain never completely goes away, but it becomes easier to deal with. I am finding that as more time passes, the hurt during those times lessens. I don’t think I will ever come to a time where it doesn’t, but the fact that it lessens is a comfort.
Although easier said then done….try not to think of the “What Ifs.” We all go through a guilty phase and wonder if there was something we could have done differently when in actuality we couldn’t have changed the outcome. I try to take comfort in the fact that I did what I could for my baby. It is definately difficult.
*hugs* and prayers for peace coming your way. 🙂
Thanks, Jessica – I am sure I will be stopping by. It helps so much to hear from and to read about others who understand. It makes me feel less isolated. Feel free to come by mine anytime as well.
“Most people get to keep their babies, why couldn’t I? I know she is with God, and there is no better place she could be, but such knowledge doesn’t make me want her any less.” I still think these thoughts, so long after. It is hard and it hurts. We always question what we did, what we could have done, what we should have done- even when we did all we could. I know it is no consolation right now, but you didnt do anything wrong. You did all that you could with the knowledge you had. Your sweet girl is so lucky to have you as a mom.
Even though we cant love on them in this world, cant hold them or kiss them or do any of the things we want to do with them, we will be with them again one day. I know this. It is the one thing that gets me through the days.
Sending hugs…
Thank you for this comment. I agree completely – I have taken so much comfort in the knowledge that I will be with her again.
I am still thinking of you, Heather. I can honestly say (although it’s little comfort) that the first 10 days are the hardest. I am only two months out – it’s certainly not “easier,” but the first couple of weeks were the most acute. I hope that the coming days ease your aching heart – I know exactly what you mean about looking at their little pictures and crying and smiling at the same time.
I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you Heather. Just remember that you can always turn to God and that he will be with you through all your hurt and pain. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Beth, thanks so much.
Heather, I’m crushed to read of your loss. Madelyn was a beautiful, beautiful baby.
Please know that you’re not alone in this journey — I’m so impressed that you’re writing. And I love your daughter’s name.
Thinking of you all.
Thanks for stopping by and reading Madelyn’s story, tash. Writing is very therapeutic to me, and somehow it helps knowing that people are reading the story of my baby. I read on your blog about the loss of your daughter in 2007. I’m very sorry you had to go through this pain.
here from L&F. i’m so sorry to read about Madelyn. she was a beautiful little girl. there aren’t words that can do your loss justice. i’m so, so sorry.
I’m just so sorry for your loss. Your Madelyn is just a beautiful, wonderful baby and I wish that she were here with you now. I’m so very sorry.
from L&F. I don’t have words, just thoughts and prayers.
I am here via LFCA. I just wanted to express how sorry I am for your loss. The pictures of you with your angel are beautiful. Thoughts and prayers.
My heart breaks for you Heather. It has been 15 months since I lost my daughter at 37 weeks. All I can tell you is that it will get easier. You will never forget your daughter and your heart will always ache to have her with you. I never thought I would ever be able to function, I felt as though I was living a life I was not meant to live because she wasn’t with me…. but I can say now that I have come to a place where I am able to live everyday and be strong. I remember every moment that I had with her and the good memories are starting to replace the bad ones. I think that writing on this blog will give you such strength and keep you in touch with your feelings, no matter what they may be. I am here if you need a friend to talk to or someone to just listen. God Bless you.
Amie
Heather. I so completely understand how you feel. When I lost my baby Phillip Jared( its been over a year and a half now) I had very similar feelings to you. I wasnt near as far along at 16 weeks,so it may have been easier for me. You certaintly had a much longer ordeal with the hospital bed rest and birthing Madelyn alive. I did give birth to Phillip and was able to touch him. Its hard to let go. And you shouldnt . I dont think I ever have. Yes I am about to have this new baby boy and the fears have been overwhelming during this pregnancy. I too would see babies and tears would fill my eyes and pregnant women, it tore my heart. I still think of him often and am too glad I have the photos I have for comfort.
I asked myself what Idid wrong for so long. I tore myself apart, same questions as you. I ate shellfish.. maybe they were bad… maybe the cholestrol med I was on before I found out I was pregnant, or the wine.. It was endless.. I even questioned ” did I want him enough” as I didnt plan the pregnancy, was God angry with me for my past sins, was this a punishment.. I never really got answers. I didn’t have an autopsy done. I hope you get answers from yours, I think the non closure of it all is the hardest.. no answers. There was a chance the baby had Downs, but not known for sure.
You cannot blame anything you did or the choices you made. You did your best for her. I truly hope you get answers so you cant even think those thoughts..
I hope in time some of your heart begins to heal. I think of you all daily..
Charla, thank you for this heartfelt comment and for thinking of us. We really appreciate it…
I am stopping by to sit with you and pray for you and your family in this time.
I am so sorry for your loss — there are no words. What a beautiful baby!
(here from LFCA)
I am so sorry for your loss, I just got the news (was in the hospital the last week). Please know that if you need to talk or vent during this grieving process or any time in the future, I am here for you.
Also, try not to be too hard on yourself with those “what ifs.” I know what sacrifices you made for those precious few minutes with your daugther. At the end of the day, that’s all we can do – make the best decisions possible – and hope for the best. I admire your strength and grace in this situation. You and your husband and Madelyn are in my prayers.
~Mandermommy
(From Babycenter)
Wow, I’m so glad so many have come to offer you encouraging words, Heather! I am sorry I haven’t been around much the last few days, honestly I haven’t even opened my RSS reader until now. But I wanted to pop in here to this entry and just offer you some more virtual hugs and you know, I know that my miscarriage was not nearly the traumatic loss you have had to endure but I understand those feelings – seeing other children/babies, it’s hard, especially while the pain is so raw. Madelyn will always hold a special place in your heart but don’t be so hard on yourself. I remember how you said that you both did not regret the decisions you made, and you shouldn’t. You made the right decisions – if anything, I think, from what I know and can see from here, your decisions kept your little one with you as long as they could and you were able to experience the time you talk about that you were able to spend with her. We women, especially, beat ourselves up so much over things, don’t we? But you – you HAVE, you ARE a mom that Madelyn would be proud of having – she IS proud. She knows that you did everything you could and she is looking forward to the day she will see you again, for her, it’s just a blink of an eye away. Cling to the Lord, He is your strength, He will get you through this!
I wanted you to know, too, that I ordered the book yesterday. I think that you will like it, but it’s going to take it probably a week and a half to get to me. Email me your address and I’ll ship it to you once I make sure it’s arrived the way it is supposed to be and without issues. I don’t want you to feel like you have to meet up with me, I completely understand, I wouldn’t want to put you in a position of feeling more hurt or being uncomfortable.
Hang in there, ok? Call/email if you need anything!!