I mentioned in my last post I wasn’t sure how my due date would affect me. I got the last thing I expected: a breakthrough.
Today had its sad moments, I can’t deny that. But at some point today, the fog that has surrounded me began to lift. Last Friday I fell into a dark hole of depression. Today I began crawling out of it. It felt like taking a breath of outside air after being cooped up in the house for days with the flu. Or like a warm, sunny day that comes to offer temporary relief in the middle of the coldest of winters. Today, the sun shone in my life, and I felt happiness again. I even felt genuine excitement about something. Nathan and I are going to see an off-Broadway production of the Phantom of the Opera tomorrow, and I bought the tickets tonight. As I left the box office, I felt happy anticipation. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way.
I am sure there will be more dark holes for me to fall into on this long road of grief. Some will be deeper than others. But today has taught me I will find my way out of them.
In the first days after my loss I said I dreaded the day I would wake up and find the pain had diminished, because I was afraid it would mean I was losing a part of Madelyn too. Now I realize that’s not true. Madelyn is not the pain in my life; she is the happiness. As I let go of the pain, I don’t let go of Madelyn. By letting myself be happy again, I embrace her.
Yes, you hold her tighter. Smile, cry and love. That’s all you can do. Bless you, sweetie.
She is totally the happiness. What a beautiful post.
Heather, that is beautiful. I have experianced those dark holes just to literally be sucked back in, but I assure you that you do find your way out and each time it gets easier to get out of them. We will never forget our babies. They are part of our lives and I believe they would want us to be happy and not sad. A lot easier said then done, but you are right…by being happy you are embracing Madelyn. She is sending you different signs of happiness and helping you to get through the grief. She loves you Heather and wants you to be happy. *hugs*
dear due date buddy,
we WILL get through this. we will, we will, we will!
and we are.
our babies are our happiness, our views were just clouded for awhile. madelyn=happy!
xo,
j:
What a lovely thought, Heather. I’m so glad you are seeing these moments as a blessing. 🙂
{hugs}
SJ
I’m so happy that you had a good day, Heather. You’re exactly right – there’s this guilt ahead of time that somehow you’ll be loving your baby less if you have a good day, but then it hits you sometimes that our babies would WANT that. They’d want us to have good days. I hope that you have many, many more.
Have a great time at Phantom!
What a beautiful site and a beautiful girl. I’m so sorry.
I’ve had 4 losses myself, and if it’s any consolation — milestone dates are usually not as bad as you anticipate them to be.
Hugs,
Jules
Heather, hold on tight to these days. It’s what gets us through. I’m so glad to hear you got some relief from the darkness. It’s been three years (almost) since my son died, and I can tell you that the lighter days do come more often and closer together eventually. Take care of yourself.
I’m very happy to read this post *hugs*
I’m Gone now, but I’m still very near.
Death can never separate us.
Each time you feel a gentle breeze,
It’s my hand caressing your face.
Each time the wind blows,
It carries my voice whispering your name.
When the wind blows your hair ever so slightly,
Think of it as me pushing a few stray hairs back in place.
When you feel a few raindrops fall on your face,
It’s me placing soft kisses.
At night look up in the sky and see the stars shining so brightly.
I’m one of those stars and I’m winking at you and smiling with delight.
For never forget you’re the apple of my eye.
— Mary M. Green
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.