Last Thanksgiving, we were on a plane headed to the stunning island of Maui (the trip is documented here and here). Although I never imagined such a thing could be possible beforehand, the beauty of the island was the perfect balm to my heart that had so recently been shattered. The tranquil trade winds, the gentle roar of the waves crashing against rock and sand, the thundering waterfalls that flowed so forcefully, the colorful rainbows that constantly reached across the sky, and about a million other things that make the island so idyllic, blended into the perfect recipe for a grief-stricken soul.
This year, we re-joined the usual Thanksgiving traditions of a big dinner with family yesterday, followed by Black Friday shopping in the wee hours of this morning. Last year, tears were always brewing below the surface, and I was in no mood for holiday festivities. My grief controlled me more than I controlled it. This year, while grief continues to occasionally take my breath away in the most unexpected of moments, it mostly remains contained until and unless I allow its presence to consume me. Sometimes I need to feel that pain, as it is the biggest reminder that my daughter was real. That she lived. That I gave birth to her and held her in my arms. That I looked into her eyes for the briefest, yet most meaningful of moments.
Of course, even when I am not in a place of deep, uncontrollable sadness, I still miss Madelyn terribly. I always will. But this year I am mostly adjusted to this new life. And I have reclaimed the happiness that departed when she left this world. It is a changed happiness, but it is enough for now. And for that, I am thankful.
I love the way you explain grief, happiness and the new normal. I also completely understand what you mean about feeling the pain; that’s also how I feel about my babies sometimes. But we can love all of these babies without always living in grief. I’m thankful right along with you.
You are so right in how you write about grief. Every day is something to be thankful for now…. every day we get through we are a day closer. Xoxoxoxo
I love the phrase “My grief controlled me more than I controlled it.” It describes it so well. Reading that helped me think of how far I have come. My grief controlled me for a long time and it is only recently that I have controlled it. I just hadn’t thought of it that way.
This resonates with me:
“My grief controlled me more than I controlled it. This year, while grief continues to occasionally take my breath away in the most unexpected of moments, it mostly remains contained until and unless I allow its presence to consume me. Sometimes I need to feel that pain, as it is the biggest reminder that my daughter was real. That she lived. That I gave birth to her and held her in my arms.”
Thank you for these thoughts- they are so descriptive of where I am at right now. Sending you so much love and light…..
It warms my heart to know that you are coping better this year, although we know the journey is a long one. The holidays can be tough. And yes, little Madelyn will always be a part of you, never to be forgotten.
So perfectly put – it becomes a new normal. Happy Thanksgiving to you!
I agree with how things are now!
Isn’t it amazing how the islands can make you feel? They really helped me when we went just days after her fatal diagnosis. I love Hawaii!