What Mother’s Day means to me

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day.  I feel incredibly blessed to have two little people who are alive, in my life everyday, and who get to call me Mom.

But…

Mother’s Day still has its difficult moments for me.  Yes, I’m grateful for the pregnancies I have had and for the children I have.  I feel so fortunate to get to raise two of them.  I’m thankful things like embryo donation exist, allowing Liam, frozen as an embryo for 6 years, to be born into our lives.  I’m thankful that Elena was born free of SLOS and that we caught her heart condition in time.  Both of my children are miracles, even beyond the very miracle of life.  I love them with all of my being and they have given my life more meaning than I ever imagined possible.  I am thankful, and I am grateful.

I predicted Mother’s Days would be difficult in my first Mother’s Day after losing Madelyn (in this post).  I was wrong about one thing – I wouldn’t say that the day is overshadowed by her absence.  At the time, I simply could not fathom how much healing the baby I was carrying would bring me.   I truly am happy, which is something I never could have imagined in my darkest days of grief.

However, Mother’s Day cannot exist for me without a little bit of sadness.  I hate knowing most people see us as a family of four.  They compliment our beautiful children and tell us how perfect it is that we have a boy and a girl. I wish somehow people could determine by looking at us there was another, and that she too was beautiful and perfect. 

I can’t expect people to magically know our family’s whole story.  But I wish that were possible.  I suppose that is my way of mothering her – by carrying on her memory and wanting her story to be known.  Her life was brief, but it mattered.  Her memory is deserving of more than being awkwardly glossed over in conversation. 

I know loss is a concept that makes many uncomfortable.  But loss is part of my reality, and I can’t change that.  The birth of my two living children did not act as whiteout over Madelyn’s life or death.  Madelyn’s presence may no longer be tangible, but she was very real.  And the love we felt for her from the first moment we learned of her existence – the love that grew stronger each day, through every ultrasound, through every moment spent listening to her heartbeat, through the moment she entered this world, through the too brief time we held her in our arms- that love was not buried with her.  It is still very much alive.

So while Mother’s Day is certainly a reason to celebrate and to appreciate how much I have been given, it is also a day that inevitably causes me to reflect on what was taken. 

I’m happy.  Truly happy. 

But I still miss her. 

14 weeks of Elena & Liam gone wild!

I just completed my 2nd week back at work.  It’s been hard to leave Elena, but she is adjusting so well to daycare, and that makes it a lot easier.   She sleeps well while there (something Liam never did as a baby) and seems content with her new surroundings.  I wish she would eat more than 3 oz at a time, but that is still way better than Liam ever did away from me.  It was a fight to get him to drink 1-2 ounces in a single day while at daycare!  So while I’d prefer to be home with my little ones every day, I’m pleased with how things are going.

Elena:

• Elena still has not mastered rolling, but she is getting so close!  Her daycare teachers even commented on how close she gets to doing it.  It’s a 4 month milestone, so we still have time, and I’m in no rush!
• She is still such a happy girl, full of great big smiles for anyone who talks to her.  I’m pretty sure I heard a laugh last week-end, too!  I only heard it once, so I can’t be sure.
• She has been smiling a lot at Liam lately.  It usually makes him giggle.
• She had a pediatric cardiologist appointment this week, and it went well!  Her EKG was fine, and she weighed 11 lbs 10 oz and was 25.5″.  They do think she still has SVT, but there is still time for her to outgrow it.  If she hasn’t outgrown it by 18 months, then she will most likely have it the rest of her life.  However, even if we think she has outgrown it by 18 months, we won’t know for sure whether she has until she is fully grown, as a lot of kids will go years without an episode and then have one.

Liam

 Unfortunately, I have no pictures of Liam to add this time.  He is not always very cooperative when the camera is out! 

• Liam has made life very interesting these past couple of weeks!  The other morning I thought he was playing in the living room while I got ready for work.  When Nathan went in there to get him dressed, he couldn’t find him.  We looked all over for him, both inside and outside the house, and still couldn’t find him.  Finally, I heard a giggle coming from the laundry room (which we had already searched), and so I went in there, and the dryer door popped open!  He had crawled inside and shut the door!
• He always wants to go outside.  He gets quite angry when we can’t go out there with him.
• If Elena is crying, he will point to her and say “uh oh baby!”  And then he’ll usually grab her pacifier.  He also likes to get in her face and say “Hi baby!” 
• He has started saying “oh” when we explain something to him (such as why he can’t do something), and he uses it in the right context.  It’s so funny!

11 weeks

Here are the things that have been going on the past couple weeks!

Elena:

• Elena is trying harder to grab at things. She has mastered the art of reaching out and touching things and batting at them, but still can’t quite maintain a grip on something she does manage to get.
• Last night I laid her next to me on the couch, and she managed to scoot, on her back, quite a ways away from me!  She was pushing off with her feet against the back of the couch and my legs.  This girl has places to go!
• She is trying very hard to roll from back to tummy.  She can roll quite far on her side, but hasn’t made it all the way to her tummy yet.
• She is turning into a squirmy monkey!  She is still much calmer than Liam was (he kicked nonstop).  But she moves all the time these days!
• She loves to hang over our upper arm and observe her surroundings.  She has also gotten really into the play mat. It’s the perfect opportunity to bat at dangling toys!
• She has discovered her tongue, and likes to stick it out.
• She has started chewing on things – she mostly chews on us!
• She sleeps like a champ.  She will sleep anywhere and is usually able to put herself to sleep.
• She is growing!  She can still wear 0-3 mos sizes, but she is now too long for some of her footed sleepers.  I’ve put a couple 3-6 mos things on her, and they are big, but no bigger than putting 0-3 mos on a newborn.  Some brands swallow her at that size though.
• She is a happy, happy girl!

Liam:

• Liam has had a rough couple weeks.  He has had a cold all month, and he was on an antibiotic for an ear infection.  Well, that didn’t go over too well – he spit it out most of the time.  He kept pulling on his ears and saying “owie”, and so I took him back to the doctor.  As suspected, he did have an ear infection, but he also had pneumonia!  I was not expecting that one, but we were glad we took him in.  They put him on another antibiotic, and we managed to get him to take this one.  He’s mostly better now, thank goodness.  We do have to take him in on Friday to make sure his lungs are clear.  
• One of his new favorite things to do is hide from us.  He hides when it’s time for a bath or diaper change, or sometimes for no reason other than to have fun!  Some of his favorite places are underneath or behind baby gear.
• He still loves pretending to drive our cars.  If we go outside, he will stand by the car or SUV and beg for the keys.  If he can’t get that, he will run out back to the shed and want in there. We have a slide in the back yard for him, and he does enjoy that, but he will only play on it for a few minutes before begging for the keys.
• He is starting to get a little jealous of Elena if I am holding her.  If I’m holding her, then he wants held.  If I put her down to hold him, he doesn’t care anymore.  I’m sure this is all part of the adjustment period for him.  He still seems to really love her though.  He’s just not so sure about the sharing me part.
• His talking gets cuter all the time. The sentence of the week is “It’s a mess!”  If something falls on the floor he will say “mess” and go get the broom.  He’s quite the little neat freak!  I’m sure his wife will appreciate that trait one day, assuming it continues.  :)

 

I go back to work a week from today.  I’m not looking  forward to that at all.  At all.  *sigh*

C-Section Birth

I’ve had several conversations since Elena’s arrival about the difference between a c-section and labor.  I thought it worth doing a post.  I won’t get too graphic, but anyone squeamish about birth may want to stop reading!

I need to start by saying that both of my labors were induced labors, and my c-section was unplanned, so I can only share from that perspective.  My first induction was extremely difficult because, at 34 weeks, my body needed to be forced into labor mode.  My second induction was at 39 weeks, and my body was ready.  That one was much easier, but it was still a long process to get me into labor, leaving me exhausted at the end of it.  My labor itself was only 4 hours, but I had not slept for almost 24 hours by the time Liam arrived.  I ended up getting an epidural both times, but also labored naturally for a good amount of time in both cases.  I can say natural labor was, without a doubt, the most intense pain I’ve ever felt in my life.  Granted, I was on Pitocin, and that generally causes contractions to be stronger and closer together than without it.

Post-epidural, labor became easy, at least until time to push.  I didn’t feel a thing pushing Madelyn, as my epidural was stronger than with Liam – in the short time between those two births the formula used in birth epidurals had been changed.  My epidural with Liam allowed me to still feel my legs somewhat, and I was able to feel the pressure of pushing.  Liam was also over twice as big as Madelyn (3 lbs 4 oz v. 8 lbs 7 oz).  Pushing with Liam was not as intense as labor prior to my epidural, but the pressure was definitely painful.  However, it was a different kind of pain than the strong contractions because I knew how close I was to meeting him, and that made it doable.  It was even what I would describe as exhilarating.

My c-section birth was so different.  I went to the hospital expecting to be sent home after an NST.  I had a c-section instead, and she was here in no time at all.   I was nervous about labor, but I was scared out of my mind about a c-section.  It is a good thing it all happened so fast, because I didn’t have too much time to be afraid.

I love the pictures below, because they show so much of what I felt that night.  Thanks again to Donna Harris 
Photography for these amazing images (they make me want to become a birth photographer!).

The first image conveys my fear so well.  I was afraid of the surgery, and afraid of why Elena’s heart was skyrocketing.  The second shows nerves giving way to anticipation of her arrival.   In the third, I am filled with joy, because she arrived.    The fourth speaks for itself, as I see my baby on the outside for the first time.

The emotions are all the same, but faster with a c-section.  And then the surgery itself is easy and painless.  Then recovery happens.

Recovery from a traditional delivery is hard and causes soreness for a couple weeks.  The c-section causes soreness too, but in a different location, making it difficult to get up from sitting to standing.  And the sore, bruised-like feeling continues for many more weeks.  I was also on pain medications for about a week with a c-section, but never had to take them after my other births.  I also had one day of really bad pain after my c-section, even with painkillers.  However that may have been magnified by a baby in the NICU and knowing Liam was mad at me for being gone.

I think that covers it from my experience.  If I were planning another baby, I would go for a VBAC – my OB even said there was no reason I would need to have another c-section in the future.  Having said that, a c-section was not nearly as bad as I had always imagined, and if I ever needed to do it again, I would not be as afraid.  Of course, we’re not planning more children, so that’s all moot.  However, if any of my friends ever need a c-section, hopefully I can help to reassure them.

Elena 9 weeks & Liam 27 months & Easter

I am constantly thinking “I need to remember to make a note of x or y on the blog”.  The problem is, by the time I get around to blogging, I forget most of it.  And I’m even worse about picking up pen and baby book and noting things that way.  So, I’ve decided that I’m going to do quick little bullet point updates about my children so I can at least remember the things I don’t want to forget. 

• Elena is such a happy, smiley baby.  She is constantly smiling at Nathan, me, Liam, and her toys.  I love when she smiles at Liam!
• Liam showers Elena with kisses every single day.  He tries to go straight for her mouth, but I try to prevent that right now, since he’s been sick.  When he can’t get at her mouth, he goes for her head. 
• Elena is lifting and holding up her head very well, but she gets wobbly after a while. 
• Elena has become quite vocal the past couple weeks.  We are hearing lots of “oohs” and “ahhs” out of her. 
• She loves to make eye contact with us, and her whole face lights up when she sees us. 
• Liam is going through a major language explosion.  He’s been talking for a while, of course, but he is becoming easier and easier to understand, and is starting to speak more in sentences.  For example, in the past I would say “Liam, what is that?” and he would say “duck! (or whatever the answer is)”.  And now he will say “It’s a duck!” instead.
• He likes to do fun things over and over.  His great-grandma Shirley was here a week ago, and she would lift him high in the air, and every time she would put him back on the ground he would say “again!”.
• He still likes Elmo, but he is branching out.  His favorite show currently is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  His favorite books are, by far, still his llama llama books.  He also loves dinosaur books.  Another favorite is “Brown Bear, Brown Bear”. 

Yesterday was  Easter, and we had such a great day!  Liam was very excited about his Easter basket.  His favorite items were his new sunglasses, his bubbles, and his new automobile puzzle.   Naturally, Elena didn’t care about her basket, but she does enjoy looking at her new book and her bright pink elephant toy I got for her car seat.   After church, we visited with some amazing friends, and Liam got to do an Easter egg hunt both at church and at the home of our friends.  I was pleasantly surprised with how much he enjoyed looking for the eggs, and it made me want to hide eggs in our house for him to hunt!  I look forward to next year already!

2 Months

On Monday, Elena was 2 months old.  We also had her 2 month checkup.  She weighed 10 lbs 12 oz (25-50th percentile) and was 24.5″ long (>98th percentile).  Her head circumference is between the 50th and 75th percentiles.  I was a little concerned that she had only gained 12 ounces this month when average weight gain is an ounce a day, but her pediatrician said it was fine, and that she was probably putting all her energy into growing lengthwise.

She is still nursing roughly every 3 hours during the day, and at night she will go a good long stretch (sometimes as much as 10 hours) without eating.  Every now and then, she will every 3 hours or so at night, but usually she gives us at least 6 hours without eating. 

She is a very happy baby, and smiles all the time.  She smiles as soon as she sees us after she wakes, which makes my heart melt!  She also smiles whenever we talk to her.  She rarely cries or fusses, and seems, in general, to be quite content and easygoing.  She does get a little gassy sometimes and I can tell she is uncomfortable by the way she is squirming and unsettled.  But even that will rarely cause her to fuss.  When she does cry or fuss, she settles quite quickly with a pacifier or a snuggle.  These past 8.5 week with her have been absolute bliss! 

I thought I’d have an easier time thinking about ending my maternity leave this time around, but I am realizing I was very wrong about that.  It will be easier to trust someone else to watch her this time, simply because I know how it works this time around, and I know how awesome the daycare we use is.  The teachers and staff clearly love each child, and knowing that, and the fact that it is a familiar place, means I won’t worry so much as I did until I established that relationship when Liam started going.  But I’m going to miss this mommy/baby time. I don’t necessarily want to be a stay-at-home-mom indefinitely.  However, it would be nice to have 6 months to a year instead of 12 weeks.  Thankfully I stil have 3.5 weeks left.  But I know just how quickly that will go.  I need to stop thinking about that though, because I don’t want to spend the remaining bit of this sweet time dreading it’s end! 

Liam is still doing great with his sister.  He’s constantly bringing her toys and pacifiers.  He did get a little jealous last night when I put her in one of his sleepers he wore as a baby.  I have no idea how he knew it was his, but as soon as he saw her in it he started screaming and saying “mine!”.  I had to give him one of her receiving blankets to console him. 

Well, Elena is waking and it sounds like she will be needing a diaper change, so I need to stop now.  There is so much more I need to document, but time is so hard to find these days.  Hopefully I can get everything recorded before I forget!  I have lots of Liam things to get down on paper  (or computer)too!  I know my posts since Elena’s birth have largely been about her, but that’s because newborns change at a much more rapid pace than toddlers, so I’m trying really hard to at least write about those things.  I already update about Elena less than I did about Liam at this age.  I guess that’s how it goes when there are 2 little ones at home!

1 month to 6 weeks

It has been 11 days since Elena’s 1 month checkup, and I haven’t updated here!  I try to document everything here so I can add it to the baby book later.  Plus, I enjoy going back to read Liam’s updates, so I know I will thank myself down the road to continue with the updates.  While I never want to get so focued on documenting that I fail to enjoy the experience, I also know my memory can only hold so many details.  Creating a record will allow me to relive these days over and over in much more detail than I trust my mind to maintain.

At her one month checkup Elena was 10 pounds even and 22.9″.  This puts her between the 50th and 75th percentiles for weight, and at the 100th percentile for height. She is one tall girl!  It will be interesting to see if that continues. 

She is smiling more and more, especially at Nathan.  It seems I have to work a little harder for my smiles.    I’m also pretty sure I have heard a few little giggles, but I’m not positive about that.  I am sure it will be unmistakable soon enough.  She is strong – during tummy time she can lift her head very well. When we are holding her upright, she moves her body all around and will manage to make her way from one of our shoulders to the other.  She’s also starting to be more vocal.  I’ve heard lots of vowel sounds, and the other day I heard the “g” sound for the first time.  I remember Liam making that sound. 

Liam still adores his baby sister.  A couple nights ago she was crying, and he tried to give her his stuffed animal.  He also likes to kiss her on the head.  He does such a good job throwing diapers away for us and putting her clothes in the hamper to be washed.  

I had my 6 week checkup last Friday, and got the all clear to lift Liam again.  I actually started doing it about a week ahead of my checkup, even though I technically did not have permission to do that yet. It was worth it though, because it seems to have helped him cope with everything.  He is not acting out nearly as much as he was during the first month. He’s still unpredictable at night – we never know how easy it is going to be to get him to sleep or how many times he will wake up in a given night. 

And now it’s time for some pictures.